Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Screen Door Incident

You know...some days I wonder why I bother chewing through the leather straps.

Today was all planned out. I was going to run some errands, drop by and see some friends, and go to the movies with my grandma. Did that actually happen? NO! Here's why...

About two months ago I noticed there was an issue with my screen door that goes out onto my balcony. I rarely go out on my balcony, I've been out there maybe twenty to twenty-five times in the three and a half years I've lived in my apartment.

I figured it was just off its track and I would deal with it when it was light out and I could see what the problem was.

My friend Cheyenne was over a couple weeks after I noticed the problem, and having the nasty habit of smoking that she does, she used the balcony a few times. She noticed the problem as well and we decided to try and fix it. We took the screen door off and flipped it over and I noticed that the back wheel that slides along the track was stuck. I tried to pry it out and we put it back on and it didn't fix the problem. We decided to leave it alone since there was nothing we could do and the next morning I called the office and asked them to come and take a look at it.

Fast forward to today. After a night of hardly any sleep I get up early, get ready, leave to go to an interview, come back to change and get the stuff I need and am virtually walking out the door when maintenance shows up. I had completely forgotten about the busted screen and today was not the day for them to look at it. Despite having plans and places to go I figured they would look at it, see what I saw, replace the screen door, and be on their merry way. Why oh why did I listen to that little voice of reason that lives inside of me?!?!

I make a u-turn up the stairs and we all head back up to my apartment. They head straight for the balcony and go outside to look at the screen door. For the next thirty minutes they take turns opening the screen door from the inside and outside and then pull it off the track and futz with the stuck wheel before putting it back on the track and repeating aforementioned process.

I tell them that they should just replace the screen door but that apparently is logical and they do not seem to understand earth logic, so they tell me they need to go and get some tools and that they'll be right back.

I ask them to hurry because I have things to do and I am not comfortable leaving them alone in my apartment and they leave.

Forty-five minutes later they return with a screwdriver, that's it...a fraking screwdriver.

Now, I'm not known for my patience, but I try...really hard...and after a night of no sleep and them already wrecking the first part of my day I should be considered a saint for not losing my cool right then.

They go back out on the balcony and proceed to fuck with the little stuck wheel for the next forty-five minutes. They pop the wheel out, put it back on the track, and take turns opening and closing the door from the inside and outside.

I am not amused at this point. Who the hell leaves for forty-five minutes and comes back with just a screwdriver?!?!?! SERIOUSLY!!!

It's at this point I start muttering audibly to myself about what fucking idiots they are that what they're doing is the definition of insanity, and aloud I comment on them replacing the damn door again.

That's when they decide to ask me what *I've* done to the door. I inform them, with my "I'm speaking very slowly and calmly so I don't kill you right now" voice, that I have done nothing to the door because I don't go out on the balcony.

For good measure they decide to try and pry the wheel out again, which they do, and guess what happens? That's sticks...AGAIN!

Now here's when they seem to realize that their screwdriver idea is a failure and they inform me that they need a different tool and that they'll be right back. Yeah fucking right...

Half an hour passes before their return and they don't have a new screen door with them. No, this time they've brought a different screwdriver. :::facepalm::: Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? I'm mad. So I do what any sane, rational, intelligent person would do. I stabbed them to death with a butcher knife. Just kidding. I called the office.

The ever so helpful office lackey (read condescending bitch) informs me that there are certain "tricks" to fixing a screen door and that the maintenance guys have to try everything before they can justify replacing it. I CALL BULLSHIT!!!

I hang up the phone and resign myself to the fact that my day is screwed while the maintenance morons repeat the process of using a screwdriver to pop the wheel out, put the door back on the track, and then open and close the door repeatedly for an hour before deciding that a screwdriver is not the answer.

The leave...again...this time for an hour...and come back with...wait for it...

Wait for it...

PLIERS! :::insert audible string of profanity here:::

Now, I can do one of three things. I can take the high road and tell them that I need to leave and that they'll have to come back another day...two months from now. I can fly into a homicidal rage and stab them to death with one of the screwdrivers. Or I can take the immature road and employ psychological warfare against them.

I took the immature road. Cue Carl Douglas because it's Kung Fu Fighting time.

I'm not sure if they were getting frustrated at this point or if the psychological warfare was beginning to work because they gave up after fifteen minutes with the pliers. This time they left for twenty minutes and returned with an entire bag of tools. Wouldn't that have made sense to begin with?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

It was then that I decided I had to get drastic. I went into my room, hopped onto my computer, and I downloaded the worst, most annoying, most aggravating, most obnoxious music I could think of. POLKA!

Once that was done I loaded it onto my iPod, turned off Carl Douglas, and cranked the polka tunes. Alas, after eighty minutes of it my ears were starting to bleed and it didn't seem to bother the maintenance morons so I gave up and turned it off.

At this point it's 4:30 in the afternoon and all I've managed to accomplish today is making my ears bleed. Go me!

Seeing as the office closes at 5:00 I asked the maintenance morons if they were close to being finished or if they had finally admitted defeat (I'm pretty sure at this juncture in time that they've jacked up the screen door more than it already was) and would be bringing me a new screen door and they inform me that if they can't get it solved tonight they'll come back tomorrow.

Now I've reached that point where if I had a screwdriver near me I probably would have picked it up and plunged it into the closest maintenance moron's neck, but luckily for me there wasn't one in reach.

I inform them that they've already ruined one day of my life with their idiocy and that they will not ruin another. Either they fix it before they go or Monday they bring me a new screen door.

At 6:00 they realized they are not the skilled handygods they thought themselves to be and left, with their bag of tools and their proverbial tails between their legs.

I better get a new screen door on Monday or there will be blood. I'm just sayin'...



My apartment could double as an ice box right now.

That's Right, I Googled It:

How to play the bloody murder game.

Stuck On Repeat:

Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

Who Would Be The "Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner":

In a timed battle to destroy as much of NYC as possible - Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Mr. Kool-Aid?

Quote Zem On Zat:

Jerry: People, please refrain from being stupid. You're wasting my bullets.

Hasta La Bye Bye!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Introducing Bijou...The Wonder Shark!

Now that I've introduced myself I should introduce my lovable, annoying, adorable, obnoxious, darling, so fun to torment cat Bijou.

Bijou is a Maine Coon. She will be 11-years-old on February 13th of this year. I've had her for almost ten years and she is a handful...and that's putting it nicely.

Bij has a very unique personality in that she thinks she's a person and that may have to do with the fact that I talk to her like she's one. She loves to play with feathers, she has a penchant for chewing on plastic, she loves to talk on the phone to my grandma, and she has the oddest sleeping positions known to man.

Her name is French for jewel and I really should have changed her name to Diable instead because she's a little devil.

Now that I've introduced you to Bijou I would like to share with you her own not so secret shame. Pictures of her in her shark costume.

Now that you have witnessed her shame I feel I should explain. I love sharks...a lot. I got a giant three foot stuffed shark, which you can see in the bottom five photos, after my birthday in June. Bij loves Neptune (the stuffed shark). She sleeps with him, grooms him, and gets really angry if I touch him. I got the idea to dress her up like a shark so that their love affair wasn't as scandalous. And it was another way to torment her.

Now that I've dressed her up as a shark there are a lot of other things I'd like to dress her up as so I'm thinking of starting a feature called Bijou's Dress Up Corner. Her next costume is going to be either a bumble bee, a ladybug, or a ballerina. I'm leaning towards ballerina because I think Bijou would look simply divine (read hysterical) in a tutu. If you have an opinion on what you would like to see her in next please comment below.

So now you've met the Bij.



I'm making vodka infused gummi bears.

That's Right, I Googled It:

Letters from psychos.

Stuck On Repeat:

Percussion Gun by White Rabbits

Who Would Be The "Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner":

In a battle of wits - Harry Dunne or Lloyd Christmas?

Quote Zem On Zat:

Foster: Ain't so funny meow, is it?

Hasta La Bye Bye!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Welcome To My Madness

My incidental life is my first attempt at blogging…so be kind…or I'll cut you. Kidding, just kidding. Maybe.

My name is Kate and I am 28 years-old. I was born and raised in northern Nevada where I currently live. I am a full-time college student, an expert in the ancient art of sarcasm, a collector of the inane, and entirely too smart for my own good.

I’ve contemplated starting a blog several times and I’m not really sure why I decided to start it now other than having a creative outlet to express my thoughts, feelings, and, in general, have a public forum to bitch about whatever is irking me at the moment.

In addition to the aforementioned public bitching forum I’ll also be using this blog for a variety of other reasons…everything from sharing “incidents” that, more often than not, are of a hilarious nature to movie reviews to anything that tickles my twisted fancy.

So what do you need to know about me? Well, there’s not really much to tell. I was raised by my grandmother from the age of six on, I am single, I have a cat that I love to torment (by dressing up in a shark costume and singing to – not at the same time), and I come from an extremely dysfunctional family.

I love music more than almost anything…my dysfunctional family only winning by a slight margin. I love my dysfunctional family…maybe because they’re dysfunctional. I love my friends like a prisoner loves a conjugal visit…that’s real love, people. I love horror movies…especially the bad ones. I love sharks…and dream of free swimming with a great white shark one day. And I love my cat Bijou…or maybe it’s the tormenting I love – I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

So that’s me…in a nutshell. Keep coming back to learn more and I’ll try not to disappoint. :)

Also, at the bottom of every blog you’ll find the same five features – “Randomness,” “That’s Right, I Googled It,” “Stuck On Repeat,” “Who Would Be The ‘Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner’,” and “Quote Zem On Zat”.




I want to learn how to hack an electronic road sign to make it read ZOMBIES AHEAD!

That’s Right, I Googled It:

Do dolphins sneeze?

Stuck On Repeat:

MoneyGrabber by Fitz & The Tantrums

Who Would Be The “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner”:

In a fight to the death over the last bottle of booze on earth - my mom or yours?

Quote Zem On Zat:

Daggett: I know my situation is rather unique.

Norbert: The word is psychotic.

Hasta La Bye Bye!